LinEl Group 1/8/98

[Thea Hardy]

January 8, 1998

Greetings friends, this is LinEl.(TR Mark)
I am pleased and excited about the road you are taking. I know this is going to be difficult for all of you. You are enthusiastically approaching a significant change, not only for your group. but for what it does for each of you. I am pleased, we are all pleased, that each of you comes to this problem not just  because there was a group rallying cry, but because you see the truth in it for yourself. Some hints I might give you as you explore this.  You use words, self-love, self-care, self-determination, all these have...one moment...You often approach each of these concepts as different battles on the front. When you speak of self care you get very  concerned and wrapped up in self care, moving away from some of the other issues that you deal with. As you become slightly better at self care, you move out of that and into self love or into your power or into leadership issues or into goals, into dreams, actualizing your life in different ways. You spend time in each of these separate houses you have built. One thing that they all have in common is self. You are building and discovering self. The components that you construct are necessary for your development in the evolutionary state that you are in at the moment, but they can be a distraction away from the goal that you are shooting for and that is yourself. Growing yourself. Developing yourself. Actualizing yourself. Something that has been asked of all of you in this group by yourselves is to take more responsibility for yourself - not to rely on others to help you mask and shield who you are, to carry you over difficult choices. You all are aware of denial in your lives. This seems to be an ever increasing pulling away of veils. 

This will be a big one. What you will do in your group with your - here is a place where I wish your language was more elaborate - this is a state-of-action/responsibility/ ownership/empowerment moment that you are embarking on. It will be difficult. You will trip over your feet. You will resort back to old habits. You will be unkind to each other. Perhaps more now than ever because you are aware of the unkindness being unkindness, not simply laziness or habit or denial but actual unkindness. 

I apologize for the convoluted quality of this. Speaking of something you have not yet experienced, something you will not immediately have success with, but I want to communicate that this is a structure, an evolution, a method,  and a hope that lies ahead for you. This is not just your construct. It is not just your bad dynamic.

Thea: This really is mansion world work.

LinEl: Yes. This is growing up. This is...it is difficult because you are so reinforced in every part of your life to revert back. For purely survival purposes you must revert back, so this journey is more difficult for you.

Thea: It feels like we are going against our survival.

LinEl: Yes. Yes. And for those of you in the group for whom this is more of a matter of survival, and fear and terror is felt over these events and actions, survival is a good word for that. Instinct is one I have heard in there although your instinct as a spiritual being to hide is not an instinct.

Delores: That¹s more of a human thing.

LinEl: Hmmmm...it is a Urantian thing.

Delores: Oh...yeah....defense...

LinEl: Last time I spoke I mentioned the habits that have been passed down from generation to generation and these are not complex habits. They are very, very simple. You do not bother to elaborate on them much. We notice four or five grand, grotesque habits that exist everywhere on this planet and they are so taken for granted that you do not see them.

Delores: Well. can you list them for us? (group laughter)

LinEl: Part of what you are doing in this current situation, this current dynamic, is one thing...discovering how much you don¹t want to be yourself.

Group: umhmmm...groan...OH...boy...that¹s hard...

LinEl: Not just denial.

Thea: Yeah ! Right!

LinEl: Not just resistence to compliments, not just avoidance of being all that you can be, but actually ignoring your existence. 

Thea: Whew!

LinEl: That you are involved in recovery, wish to have a voice, all of these things, irritate you out of that habit.

Delores: Like a pearl...

LinEl: Yes. Yes.
 
Thea: Ah, Ha!

Delores: Like rubbing...

LinEl: Good metaphor, yes.

Delores: If we keep working long enough we¹ll end up beautiful...and valuable...wait no! because we already ARE that !

LinEl: Well, you will end up spitting out a lot of sand.(group laughter) This planet...that habit , self-sacrifice...which is... is mixed! Your issue that you brought up: when are you thinking for someone else - when are you being their awareness, and when are you being a friend, a helpful voice, in confusion. When you stumble upon issues of that nature where there is so much ambiguity that it can go either way depending on the situation, the person, the motivation, that¹s a clue spot for one of these habits that this planet has formed.

Delores: There are not really any clear answers.

Barbara: Well, the questions aren¹t clear.

LinEl: If you could stand back. If you could stand back from your life, not far, further than you can, but not far, you would see the pattern so clearly it would appall you. 

Delores: Is it good to be appalled?

LinEl: Yes.

Thea: I just went someplace in my brain with that . It actually was of some use.

LinEl: It is not what you call shame...

Thea: It¹s awareness?

LinEl: But it is a blinding, penetrating awareness that does not leave you. The small aha¹s of the universe are sublime reminders of beauty and truth and humor and irony. The big AHA¹s of the universe are somewhat more painful. Freeing. Poignant. Complex. You realize when you step back and see that situation for what it really was, there is an overwhelming sense of forgiveness, for yourself. There is regret for what was missed, there is shame for the foolishness of youth, embarrassment. And there is a sense of humor that develops out of that perspective that makes the rest of your lives a little easier.

Thea: Can I offer a short phrase that comes to my mind, because I have a little of this in my life. 

LinEl. Yes.

Thea: It¹s a forward-looking humility.

LinEl with laugh: Yes.  

Thea: With humor. I have had some of this. I know what you¹re saying. And the thing that Œs beautiful about it is that in the midst of all of those strange feelings your described, you really want to know.  

LinEl:  When you no longer want to "pinch something that's just too cute" (reference to earlier sharing about mean big brothers)  when you no longer feel embarrassed when you¹re around a thirteen year old, those are the moments of growth where you know that some of that perspective has been obtained. 

Delores. It¹s a maturing.

Thea: Kind of like seeing my mother.

Barbara: It almost sounds like seeing your own handicap, seeing your own blocks and how you¹ve worked on them, or how they can be dealt with or what hope there is for working on them in the future. Walking against the odds.

Thea: Like a gigantic enlarging the picture on yourself and seeing the whole context - it¹s really is so that the parts are no longer these strange things we puzzle with but like OH...du du-dut du-dut.. du..dut ..duh duh DUH! Duh! (some sound effects that Mark typically uses to mean placement of events in space and the cause and effect understanding of them)

Hughsie: Gestalt!

LinEl: Some of that perspective brings....none of you will fall prey to the complexity of adolescence ever again. Then, when you were an adolescent, the social structure seemed so complex everyone was looking at you, your self perception was so skewed by so many layers of society, history, self-talk, as you grow out of that and you look back , realize how silly I was, if I had only known, if somebody had only told me, if only I could have believed them.

Delores: If I could go back there now, knowing what I do.

LinEl: Yes, The experience would be different. That perspective is some of what you will gain when you pass through this particular phase of discovery of the self.

Thea: To the degree that I have done some of that and I believe that I have done some, one of the interesting things is those regrets sort of fade as being regrets.

LinEl: They become something more complex, something a little wiser, more tolerant and self forgiving certainly.

Thea: A little less poignant.

LinEl; Yes.
 
Thea: LinEl, can I ask a trivial question?

LinEl: Yes: Yes.

Thea: How do you feel about the rats?

LinEl: All the little creatures on this world, your pets, they give you so much joy and exhibit the kind of curiosity that you exhibit. We care for them very much. And we see what they do to your lives. For those of you who enjoy the presence of a pet, it does enrich your lives and we applaud the companionship. 

Thea: I¹ll never forget that the first thing you said to me, that I remember, had to do with the rat.

LinEl.: Well, sometimes little holes...

Thea: Ah, Ha ha!  You stuck your words  through a little hole!

LinEl: Wherever we can get through, yes.

Thea:  So you guys are used to that, too. Oh, of course you are! 
Oh, my goodness.

LinEl: Yes!

Thea: All the little holes in my brain! (group laughter) Oh, well. I thank you, for being.

LinEl: I want to thank you for all of your efforts. The time ahead will be difficult but I have heard more than one of you express some excitement  at what lies ahead. I¹ll take my leave of you and I look forward to speaking with you next week. I love you all. Good night, friends.